Tried outlining this shitty blog. LOL

For the past week, I’ve been doing the blind writing scheme successfully. In fact, I’m doing it right now. Seems to be working, since I’ve been hitting my 500 words a day goal.  Of course, I still have zero-word-days, but we can blame that on an entirely different excuse. 

For example: yesterday, I was outlining for two hours long.

On Monday, I was able to write 515 words for the Boyd novelette. And when I read it back, I noticed that it created a pattern or a theme I had no intention of doing. Seeing as the theme actually works, I thought that I should employ it in the entirety of the book. But to make it consistent, I had to put it in every chapter. Putting it in every chapter, meant I had to embed it in the outline.

But I don’t really have an outline as much as I only have a sequence treatment for a movie  (Boyd is my very first screenplay I’m turning into a light novel). So I pulled out my sequence treatment and made a narrative outline for it, with each sequence turned into a “LESSONS” — the theme that came out from last Monday's writing spree.

I can’t tell you why I’m so against outlining. My mind just doesn’t respond to it like it should. I’ve never found any other writer who said that they have a problem with outlines too. Well, at least, I haven’t found any blog about resistance to outline, but that could just be my google-fu failing me. Or me failing my google-fu.

I’ve tried using the methods my mentors have taught me — 12-steps, Normality-Insighting Event-Eklat-Eklat, Mind Map, Charting, Bullet, etc. None of those STUCK. 

Problem lies within me, I believe. As I’ve mentioned before, I can’t seem to make my mind to stick with it. It’s like my rebellious streak manifests itself when I’m trying to be a serious writer. Like my mind is telling me “fuck this, your arrogance has justifications.”

I’m so used to free-form writing and then getting lucky it comes out making sense. Just look at FANATICISM. Seriously, that shit did not have an outline. J/K did not have an outline. Even Tikbalang did not have an outline. I sat. I wrote. I winged it to the end. Probably the reason why my thesis failed into shitty little pieces. [Word for the day — shit]

On the other hand, when I do make an outline, I can’t seem to disobey it. I’ll force myself to follow it to a point I go mental. Then it suffocates me so bad I'd just give up and burn the piece of shit in my backyard. Then I start free form writing again and make no sense at all.

I know that outlining organizes thoughts. In fact, after I spent my allocated two-hour writing yesterday on just outlining Boyd, it gave me clarity. As a whole, I finally found what I wanted to [sort-of] say in this story of Boyd. I found some problems and found some solutions. Granted, I found some new problems, and still have no solution for it. But I really do think I’ll get to fixing it eventually.

Just as long as I use whatever outlining works for me in the moment. I mind mapped the original sequence treatment. And from that mind map, I did a bullet chapter outline. I’m thinking, I can set 12 children in a mind map, then set bullet points under every children. I can outline an outline. Make an outline-ception. 

In the end, we all know I’m not going to follow the outline. Like this blog had an outline (see picture), and you’ll notice it kinda-sort-of-parang followed the outline but it really didn’t. What matters is … 610 words in one hour. 

It’s fixing me. I’m fixing me. Bit by bit. 

Then maybe, I’d be as prolific as the people I admire.