For more than half of my life, I've always wanted to be a filmmaker. I can't exactly tell when that moment of epiphany happened, or, why I chose that path. I just remember writing poems; and the poems turned into short stories; and the short stories turned into light novels; the light novels turned into lousy high school stage scripts; and eventually I started writing screenplays.

I have always had chances, but, I've always been held down by the lack of funds. It's not that the funds wasn't there, it's more like I feel like I don't deserve to use those funds for my selfish endeavors.

A friend of mine introduced me to CCP Sineklab, and had I stuck with it, I would have been a pioneer in Cinemalaya. But, the friends who brought me to Sineklab and paid for my ride from ElBi to CCP never commited. They wanted a movie that featured them and their lives, and no real sense at all. I remember the head of CCP Film Department asking me, "It seems like your friends just want to make a movie about themselves. You're the writer, what do YOU wanna write about?" I told him what I wanted to write, and he said it had potential. But, then, when I proposed it to my "friends," they took away their commitments, and I never saw CCP Sineklab ever again.

I am very grateful for Sinelab. I had a lot of fun that one year. Despite my bitter-esque break up, I was happy. I finished Anak ng Tikbalang, and entered it in Fully Booked's competition (not to mention, as per Quark Henares, Neil Gaiman seemed to have liked it LOL). I was a Continuity Editor - turned - A.D. for River of Dreams, a short movie about deaf children's puppy love. I was in a full length movie directed by JOLOGS movie writer (JOLOGS is one of my fave Filipino movies ever). I was in the zone. All I had to do was maintain the momentum.

But why did I lose the momentum? Why did I stop? I can't remember. I may not even know why.

When I came here in the U.S., BFF gave me a bunch of clothes and bags. And in one of those bags, was a button pin -- a Scary Cow button pin. I asked BFF about it, and she said she can't remember where she got it or why is it in the bag she gave me, but she sweared it was all coincidental. Back then, I didn't have internet, so I wasn't able to check it out. And it got swept away to the back of my head and out of my sight.

A year after, I became a member of BANG -- Bay Area Nerd Girls. It's just a facebook group where all nerd and geek girls from the Bay Area share their thoughts and interest. Through this I met some people. A lot of them are artists, independent performers and writers. One of them asked for help in shooting her music video. Excited by the opportunity, I sent in my resume. In that series of shoots, Scary Cow was once more mentioned. And I told myself, ok, I'll look into it. It has been a couple of months since we finished shooting the music video. The singer, director and cinematographer gave me praises for the BTS pictures that I have taken from the shoot. I was there just to be a P.A., and eventually, they asked me to do the BTS as well. But, I still haven't checked Scary Cow. It was swept away again to the back of my head and forgotten.

One day, I got an invitation for a mass indie movie shoot somewhere in Oakland through Facebook. I wanted to go, but I was scared to go to Oakland alone. I'm not familiar with their busses, and staying there until 9pm without my own car would be close to being called crazy. Even with my own car, my relatives would still call me crazy if I had dared.

So, I asked my friends in the Philippines what should I do. Ian asked me, is there any other option? That's when I remembered Scary Cow.

It felt like I was an RPG character being rail-roaded to go to this Scary Cow thing. Is my life a Final Fantasy with no Chocobo?

Feb 17, I went to Scary Cow Information Session. It looked promising. But, I need to set aside $50 a month if I really want to do this. It's a commitment I have to take seriously and not just nonchallantly. Maybe, this is the only way for me to finally commit. How much do I really value my dreams?

Is $50 a month enough to make my dreams come true? Or is $50 a month too much for my selfish pursuit?